


Dirty Little Secret

by Hidanilein



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Friends With Benefits, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Unrequited Love, cross-dressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-24
Updated: 2014-11-24
Packaged: 2018-02-26 20:53:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2666012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hidanilein/pseuds/Hidanilein
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It would be a complete lie if I told you I don’t know how I got myself into this situation. I know exactly how I got into this, why I used to wear a long black haired wig when my own hair hadn’t been long enough. Why at least a third of my wardrobe consisted of female cloths. Why I had learned how to apply make-up.<br/>I was doing all of this for him. And maybe for myself as well...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dirty Little Secret

**Author's Note:**

> The lovely [Bell](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/thugbishie/) asked last week if someone could write a little thing for her.  
> Being in a more or less writing rush lately and because Bell is always making me happy with her posts I decided to sure, write her something.  
> And somehow this little thing got longer and longer…
> 
> I never wrote anything like this (neither in Enlish nor in German oxo), but I hope you like it, baby doll. And I hope it’s somewhere like you had imagine the whole plot to be. Also Marco’s POV was a bit (okay maybe much more than just a bit) new to me so I hope it’s not that strange and such oxo  
> You demanded feels and smut, here have feels and smut.
> 
> And much thanks to my best friend for reading beta even when she’s not feeling well~ <3
> 
> I also have a [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/hidanilein).

It would be a complete lie if I told you I don’t know how I got myself into this situation. I know _exactly_ how I got into this, why I used to wear a long black haired wig when my own hair hadn’t been long enough. Why at least a third of my wardrobe consisted of female cloths. Why I had learned how to apply make-up.

Not because I wasn’t comfortable in my male body, quite the contrary. I liked my body the way it was, maybe I would like to do a bit more sports, gathering a bit more of muscle. It was indeed a bit feminine… But I had always been a selfless person – okay, to be honest my motive behind it wasn’t that selfless at all but let’s just overlook that okay?

When I was born I received the name Marco Bodt, I’m still calling myself Marco, my teachers are calling me Marco, my parents, my friends, everyone is calling me Marco. Yeah, probably you’re wondering now why I own so many female cloths, why I know how to apply make-up, why I’m growing my hair out. I told my parents I’m doing that because I drifted into the ‘metal’ scene, that that was the reason for my long hair. The make-up and skirts, bras, dresses and whatsoever no one saw.

Okay… not ‘no one’. There was one person who saw me like that, the person for whom I was doing all of that.

For a grumpy, social awkward guy who probably would be described by anyone else as a complete jackass. Who received a few lame jokes over his facial structures, for his ‘stupid’ haircut. Never from me though. I liked everything about him, from his two-colored hair to his asshole attitude.

To be honest I didn’t like it. I loved it. I loved everything about that guy. Jean Kirschtein, my best friend since kindergarten. A guy… who was completely straight and utterly in love with Mikasa Ackerman, a beautiful, smart Asian girl in our parallel class.

That… still doesn’t answer the question why apparently I was cross-dressing for him right?

It started during a sleepover at the end of our last year of middle school…

 

* * *

  
Like usually we’re lying on my bed, staring up at my ceiling and talking – well it was more Jean ranting and me listening. Still the usual thing. I loved hearing his voice even when it was killing me to hear how he was worshipping Mikasa. Pretty sure a small whining noise left my throat when he mentioned her soft black hair.

Hello? I have also soft black hair! Hers was only longer. Was that it? Should I simply grow my hair out for him? Probably wouldn’t change a thing since he was straighter than an arrow and as long as I was a male I wouldn’t have a chance at all.

“Hm… do you think I should like… practice a bit more before I talk to her? Like asking out some other girls, gathering experiences. Maybe I can even make her jealous like this! At least I should probably kiss a few times before I try anything with her. Don’t wanna make a complete fool of myself, y’know?” My whining noise went by unheard. Of course it did. Jean was in is element, talking about the girl he had the hots for since he saw her in our first year in middle school.

Sighing, I shifted a bit, moving to lean against the headboard of my bed and raised an eyebrow at him. “Jean… You’ve been trying to talk with her since our first year in middle school. Do you think you’re capable of asking anyone else out? Everyone knows how… ‘obsessed’ you are with Mikasa. No offence…”

“Ey! That’s not true! I could totally get someone to go out with me!” I wished he would see how right he was. So right that it hurt. Was I not obvious enough? I stopped counting how often Armin or Ymir tried to get me away from my feelings for him, how often even Eren tried to get Jean to notice it. At least I managed to make _them_ stop with that. My best friend could be… a bit dense in these things. Nevertheless, we were only 14 and 15. I told them my feelings would eventually die down. Hopefully.

“You know… I could help you.” At my words he looked up, glancing at me with these bright amber eyes which have mesmerized me, even back in kindergarten. It only got stronger when we got older.

“Help me? Nah, dude. You’re already helping me enough.” This smirk would be the end of me. Years of friendship with him and it would probably always kill me. “And how would you try to help me? Taking one of the guys who’re after you and dumping them on me?”

Years of friendship and all he ever noticed was that I wasn’t interested in the opposite gender at all. Well that wasn’t really true. For quite a while now I was only interested in one person at all – needless to repeat that he hadn’t noticed that yet.

“Since you know that besides other stuff, you should also know that I have a bit more experience and such…” My voice was getting thin, low and insecure. I hoped he would simply ignore my suggestion, waving it off with the sentence that he didn’t swing that way. As if I didn’t know that…

But if I learned something in all the time we spent together then it was the fact that Jean was still able to surprise me, being completely random and spontaneous.

The ‘yeah okay’ was nothing I would have expected ever. The ‘but… you would have to change a bit…’ was something I would have expected if I would have expected the first one.

“Change a bit?”

“Dressing up. You could also like… wear a wig so I could imagine it some girl? Don’t get me wrong it’s just… You know, I’m not really into that but it would only be a bit of training and … stuff…”

I was used to strange conversations with the young Kirschtein. But this was slowly getting awkward, really awkward. Nevertheless I decided to play along.

“Sure.” With that I pushed myself off from the bed, walking over to my dresser, pulling open one of the drawers. “Do you remember the wigs we saw a few months ago and you told me one of them would look like Mikasa’s hair…?” I left out the fact that for the next two days he was only fascinating over her hair.

“Yeah…? Why---“ Of course I had bought that stupid wig. I was slowly getting so desperate that I was willing to use every possibility, every opportunity to come a bit closer to him. Wearing a wig for him or even growing out my hair for real… not a problem. If it would make him like me a bit more.

If it could make him like me a bit more…

I had always been a positive person, always thinking the best of people and being there for everyone. An incurable optimist. I knew there was not much of a possibility to get him to like me the way I liked him. But still I could dream.

Especially I could dream when I was back on the bed, glancing down on my blue blanket nervously and pulling the wig over my head. “I… I don’t have a skirt or anything like that and I d… doubt that Ymir has one either.” Muttering I kept my gaze on the blanket, wondering if Jean would really pull off this whole thing or not.

Nothing happened for a few moments before I flinched at a sudden touch to my shoulder and glanced up. In any other situation the blush on Jean’s face would have put me in awe, making me stare at him, trying to memorise that lovely and rare sight in front of me. Still not able to wrap my head around the fact that this would really happen now. Even when I was dressed up and pretend I was a girl…

But then the realization hit me like a brick. _I_ would be Jean’s first kiss.

Ah! Take that Mikasa. He may love you but my lips will be the first to touch his!

I forced myself to stay calm, letting him decide on the speed – only glancing around the room for a moment. But there was no red scarf in my room and I was pretty sure we didn’t even own a red one in the first place. Not that I could think about it at all when he laid a shaky hand on my cheek, moving a bit closer.

I had dreamed about this moment. Probably way too often, as if I could admit it out loud without needing to get swallowed by the earth. To be fair, I never imagined I would pretend to be the opposite gender…

Slowly I laid my hand on his, still resting on my cheek, and leaned slightly into the touch to show him that it was alright, that he could continue if he wished.

And suddenly I had his lips on mine. Well it was more his lips smashing on mine and it was hurting like hell when the teeth behind our lips collide. Apparently he had forced himself to act before he could think about it, before he could realise what a stupid idea this had been in the first place…

Nevertheless his _lips_ were on _mine_.

Carefully I laid my free hand on his cheek in return, trying to make him relax, forgetting that he wasn’t kissing some nice girl, that he was pressing his lips on the mouth of his best friend. His best male friend. Quickly I pushed these thoughts away, softly kissing back.

Jean had always been a quick learner so it wasn’t really a surprise for me that when he finally got over his nerves he wasn’t pressing against my teeth again, pulling away only slightly.

And I couldn’t express the feelings rushing through me when we were kissing. Softly, gentle, his hand on my cheek was still trembling a bit but I could feel how he calmed down completely, closing his eyes even.

I couldn’t do the same. Never. This was not my first kiss but with him it felt like it. Probably because he had always been the only one I wanted to kiss. So I saved everything to my memory, not knowing if there would be a second kiss. Maybe I could convince Jean to use me for practice? Yeah, I knew how pathetic that sounded. But like I said, I was willing to take whatever I could get from him.

I closed my eyes before he pulled away, listening to the shaky breath he let out and tried to not look too disappointed when Jean also removed his hand from my cheek. “Uhm…”

At that I lifted my eyelids again, pretty sure being as red as the boy sitting in front of me was at that moment, and scratched over one of my freckled cheeks. “Yeah…” What were you supposed to say after you just gave your best friend his first kiss, wearing a wig and pretending to be the girl he was crazy over for nearly three years now?

“That… was nice… That sounds weird, right..?” I glanced at him, smiling a bit when I heard his nervous laughter only to gasp surprised when my two-color haired friend leaned in for the next kiss.

Of course I wouldn’t complain. I was desperately and would take whatever I could get…

~~~

We didn’t talk about it afterwards. The next morning Jean just left and when we met at school the next time it was as if the kissing had never happened. I tried to not be too hurt about it, telling myself that I should have known it from the moment he had agreed to my crazy suggestion. Nevertheless it hurt.

Especially when I saw him trying to get Sasha to get out with him after the winter break of our freshmen year of high school. He was still trying to get more experience…

Needless to say that Sasha declined him, knowing how he felt for Mikasa. She didn’t want to be a simple replacement.

Contrary to me.

I would love to be the replacement – still with the hope that one day he would return my feelings…

It was hard to watch him, to listen to him ranting and everything like that. I’m not proud of the fact that I didn’t turn down anyone who approached me in our sophomore and junior years, not letting any opportunity slip to try and forget Jean. Forget my feeling for him. Finding someone for who I was felt stronger for than him. It was useless…

In the first week of our summer break after said junior year, we were in his room, he lying on his bed, scowling at the ceiling while I was trying to not stare at him too obviously. Even when it was in the evening, around 8 PM it was still way too warm in his room. He had always had the habit to only wear sweatpants or loosely shorts when he was at home. Due to the temperature it was not that much of a surprise that now he was only wearing his underwear.

Nothing new for me. Also the feeling which was rushing through my body was nothing new to me. Even when he was right now recounting what he would like to test out with Mikasa.

Hormonal teenage boys. That’s all I’m saying about that. Maybe even a bit frustrated hormonal teenage boys…

“But there’s no way I could like… walk over to her and ask her, y’know? Hell, lately I couldn’t even look her into her beautiful eyes with all the dreams I had ‘bout her…” Rolling my eyes I let myself fall back on his couch, trying to not be too obvious.

“You’re sounding a bit frustrated without even having any sexual experiences, old friend.” I laughed and turned on my side so that I could grin at him. Gulping at the smirk he flashed at me in return.

“Who said I don’t have any sexual experiences?”

“Don’t waste my time with trying to deny it, Kirschtein. I probably would have been the first person you told it. And as far as I know the only thing you had ever done was—“ I had to stop myself, feeling my face heating up when I reminded myself that the only stuff he had ever done was kissing _me_.

He had never been the one to talk to other people – sometimes it seemed I was the only one he was really comfortable with talking to… - and the fact that his feelings for Mikasa were so obvious there hadn’t been anyone else.

“Marco~” I flinched when I heard my name, blushing even deeper when I looked up and saw the wolfish smirk on his face. I knew he was using me, I knew he was just using me as a test object. Probably he had just realised that if he wanted to test something he could simply test it with me since I was always around and I had been the one to suggest it in the first place.

“I don’t… have the wig with me.”

“Fuck.”

Of course. He wouldn’t kiss me if I wasn’t pretending to be a girl. I never had thought I would hate my body, that I would hate my sex. But in this very moment I did. Because my chance would be a bit higher if I would just be a girl…

“I… I could show you something else…? Which also could help with your frustration? O… one of your sister’s skirts should fit me so you could pretend I… I’m a girl with short hair?” I was despaired, I was grabbing every opportunity, ever opening I could find.

“What are you suggesting?” Raising an eyebrow Jean stare at me, tilting his head slightly to the side. Heck, I wanted to kiss him so badly when he was looking this adorable, trying to figure out what I meant.

With a bit of a hesitance I pressed my tongue a few times against the inside of my cheek, feeling how my face was getting even hotter but with a bit of relief I saw him getting red as well.

“Oh…” I didn’t know what to think about that. I only knew that I was licking my sudden dry lips nervously and glanced down at his crotch for a moment, realizing he was following my eyes as well. We both weren’t able to believe what I just had proposed.

“Well. I guess I’ll… keep that in mind, yeah?” Why did my mind think he would surprise me again by flat out saying yes? Kissing your best friend was one thing – and I’m pretty sure there were a few people who had their first lip contact with their best friend – but getting a blow job by said best friend was a whole other topic.

I shouldn’t be that thirsty for my straight best friend. But again, the shared kisses from three years ago popped up in my head. Once more making me wish I was a female so he would at least use me as a replacement more willingly.

I knew I was a lost cause, that I was utterly and completely lost. That there was nothing I could do against it. No way out.

A while neither of us said anything, an awkward silence between us before I rubbed over my face and nearly jumped on my feet. “I… I’m getting the wig, alright?”

Clutching at straws was becoming my life motto…

But he didn’t protest, Jean didn’t call me back into his room, laughing and waving the whole topic off. I told myself to not fool myself, to not get my hopes high. Hormonal horny teenage boys.

I don’t think I ever managed the way home and back into his room this quickly – being more than glad that his parents weren’t at home, neither was Hitch. The glances Ymir had been throwing at me- when I rushed in my room, digging around my drawer and nearly raced out of the house again with a backpack over my shoulder - was enough.

“You’re really about to do this, hm..?” My first way had been into the bathroom next to his room, changing into a skirt and currently staring at myself in the mirror. It had been awkward enough to buy these things a few days ago but a nice nervous smile from me had convinced the employee that I was only buying something for my girlfriend. Not for myself… not for myself to wear for my best friend. My still straight best friend.

Maybe I was trying to convert him… but I knew that that wouldn’t work at all. Running a hand through my hair, I frowned slightly at my reflection. Yes, I noticed that my hair was slowly getting too long. But in this moment I decided to grow it out. If … maybe if I’m doing this right now, if I don’t make a mistake in the next minutes, I would be the replacement for a while.

And then I wanted his fingers in my hair, not in some stupid wig. I wanted to get as much from this situation as I could get. I was in despair, I was getting needy, I know. Getting needy of something I didn’t even receive till now.

Shaking my head I pulled on some shirt, chewing nervously at my bottom lip when I glanced down at myself. I remember how red I had been when I had shaven my legs; never thought I would ever do that. But the moment I had bought that skirt I had known that I would use any opening, even if it would be very small to wear this stuff for him.

“You’re pathetic…” I muttered to myself while pulling the wig on my head, glaring at the scarf left in the backpack – and decided against it.

“Marco?” The nerves I had in that damn store were _nothing_ compared to the ones I’m having now. “You…”

“Well I thought you wanted to test out a few things. I… I don’t really know much about this whole cross-dressing stuff but still…” Nervously, I rubbed the skin between my nose and my top lip, glancing away before I closed the door behind me and walked over to his bed, once more trying to ignore that he was still only wearing his boxers. Instead, I remind myself that I was one of the few people Jean trusted, maybe still the only person he felt at ease around.

“Marco…”

“Marcie.” I interrupted him, playing with the hem of my skirt, saying the first female version of my name I could think about. “I’m a female right now, remember?”

I could see how he was debating with himself, thinking over the option I was giving him. And I decided to give it a little push, hoping to not overstep some invisible line.

“You said yourself you wanted to gain experiences… for Mikasa. I’m just a replacement, remember? So you wouldn’t shame yourself and such…” I hoped my voice was firm enough, my smile encouraging him. And apparently it had worked. Maybe it was his raging teenager hormones, too, the wish to be not the complete virgin by the end of the high school.

Whatever it was, Jean pulled me down on his bed, nervous like he was when he got his first kiss. _Don’t get your hopes high, Bodt. You’re only here to let him gain the experiences he wants to gain. You’re the person he trusts with his life, his best friend. Not his love interest. Don’t disappoint him with betraying him!_

“Want me to…?” I asked softly, running a hand through his hair like I knew calmed him down.

My eyes shoot down, following the movement of his Adam’s apple before he shook his head and laid a hand on my nape, pulling me down.

Again this pleasing feeling rushed through me when our lips touched, my heart skipping a beat when he pressed a bit more into it and I tried to keep calm, to not jump him when he moved his lips against mine. Instead I followed him, let him again lead the way, let him explore what he wanted to do, what he had in mind. But I couldn’t help the way my body reacted; all I could do was to make sure Jean was able to forget that he was kissing a male.

“Jean…” I whispered when he pulled away again, biting my own lip while I laid down on his mattress, dragging him down with me and wrapping my arms around his neck. I pulled him into the next kiss, a deeper one this time, and decided to help him a little bit by opening my mouth slightly.

Damn… I couldn’t help the way my breath hitched when Jean laid one of his hands on my hips, parting his lips as well and letting his tongue slide into my mouth. Again I didn’t move, all I did was letting my fingertips gaze over the shaven hair in his nape. I also couldn’t help the small moan I let out when his tongue touched mine. Well I should let him know that what he was doing was right… right?

Of course I noticed how he was immediately withdrawing his tongue again, getting scared away because pulling on a skirt and wig wasn’t changing my voice. But I think that was the moment I lost my patience for a moment, pulling him down a bit more and following his tongue with mine. Licking over his muscle, pressing against it, dancing around it before a small gasp left my best friend and he was reacting to the tongue play.

Soon we were panting into each other’s mouth, desperately seeking the touch of the other’s tongue and I could feel how the saliva had made its way down my cheek. Normally I would have been grossed out by this but in this situation I couldn’t think at all. Not when his thumb was stroking over my hipbone, when he was lowly moaning into my mouth when I let one of my hands wanders down to the small of his back, pressing him a bit closer to myself.

“Fuck…” Now this word sounded so much better in my ears than earlier, when he had informed me that he wouldn’t kiss me as a male. When his breath was heavy from kissing me, from dancing with my tongue. Jean’s breathing was still like this when he leaned his forehead against mine, moving his head then a bit more to press the next heated kiss to my lips. And I couldn’t help the pleased moan which left me when he pressed his hips against my hip, when I could _feel_ what kissing me was doing to him.

I have to admit… I got lost in the moment due to that. Breaking the kiss, I nudged his chin up with my nose, pressing open- mouthed kisses to his throat and nibbled at the delicate skin, enjoying the way his breath hitched in the back of his throat, when he was pressing his hips a bit more against the side of mine.

Subtle I made sure he was far enough away from my crotch for now – Jean probably didn’t need a reminder that I was still male, most likely that would destroy the mood, would prick the bubble we created. The choked breath he let out when I touched his hips was nearly driving me insane.

“Hey… Marc—Marcie…” I hummed against his neck, nipping at another spot, resisting the urge to leave marks on his white flawless skin. He didn’t answer me instead he tried to pull my head back – quickly I followed, not wanting him to accidentally remove the wig I was still aware of wearing. I definitely need to grow my hair out. And before I knew it his lips were back on mine, his tongue back in my mouth, nearly attacking my muscle.

I wished he wouldn’t moan ‘Marcie’, I wished he wouldn’t fool us both that I was a female. But again I took what I could get. If that was the price to be able to be so close to him… While I closed my eyes, enjoying this moment I had never even dreamed of to happen ever, I moved by leg for a moment, smirking slightly into the kiss when I heard him gasping. To be honest I had no clue how a girl would react in such a situation but I couldn’t find it in me to care – and the way Jean slightly ground his hard-on into my thigh told me he was probably not really caring himself.

For a moment I thought about repeating my offering from earlier but figured I should keep it low, to keep it slow. As slowly as I could manage when his tongue was making my mind dizzy, when it was driving me crazy. But I was doing this for _him_ not for me. Maybe a little bit for me…

Carefully I let one of my hands wander from his hips to his stomach, noticing how his breathing got even a bit heavier at the unfamiliar touch. I let my hand slide over his bare skin, scratching slightly over the light trail of hair, leading down, past his waistband. I was waiting for some protest, waiting for him to push himself away from me. But there was no protest.

Hormonal, horny, frustrated teenage boys.

I realised my hand was trembling a bit when I let my fingertips gaze over the waistband of his boxer shorts. His tongue was still fighting against mine - Jean was trying to get my tongue out of his mouth, transferring the fight back into my mouth. Concentrating on the dance for a moment I pressed my hand against his crotch, savoring the soft moan into my mouth when I was putting pressure on his erection underneath.

Which leaded to him breaking the kiss and leaning his forehead against my shoulder, breathing heavy against it and stroking down from my hips to the hem of my skirt, playing with the fabric for a moment. And in this very second I realised I was most likely not acting like a girl anymore, that my own instincts had taken over. But it was hard for me to think when I was palming him through his underwear, feeling his heavy breathing against my body, still tasting him on my tongue.

“Don’t stop…” Jean gasped lowly, sending shiver after shiver down my spine with how husky his voice sounded and his thumb was stroking over the skin right under the hem of the skirt. I wasn’t able to stop now. Not at all. I knew I would most likely regret it afterwards. This would take it too far, right? Especially when I realised my suggestion from earlier was all I could suddenly think about.

“I wanna blow you…” I muttered into his hair, grinning rather relieved at the way his cock twitched under my fingers. The needy whimper I could hear coming from my best friend, I took as a permission to continue as I pleased. And god… this noise will follow me in my dreams.

Reminding me that I was only doing this because Jean wanted to—it wouldn’t be good if I continued lying to myself like this. I was acting selfish. Really selfish while I was turning us over and pulling him to sit on the edge of the mattress, sliding down from the bed and situating myself between his legs. Sure, I was wearing a damn skirt and a wig for him, there was even stupid make-up on my eyes.

But I was using his frustration to my advantage.

No. We were using each other. Expect I knew that and Jean didn’t. I wanted him to use me, maybe at one point he would get so used to me that he wouldn’t need anyone anymore. At one point he would even forget about Mikasa and realising that everything he would ever need was already by his side.

Like I said, I always had been an incurable optimist.

Slightly nervous, I peered up at him, glancing through the longer front hair of the wig and biting my bottom lip when I saw how he was looking at me. “Don’t look at me…” I muttered while I reached out and let my hands rest on his thighs, sliding them upwards, hearing him gasp slightly. “When you look away you can pretend better…”

It hurt when Jean was nodding, when he leaned back on his hands and laid his head back. Taking what I could get.

Trying to keep my calm I let one of my hands move further up, feeling how he flinched slightly when my fingers were again brushing over stomach, my lips touching his skin – his abs tense underneath it - following the same hairs my fingertips had followed earlier. Once more I peered up at him, giving him another chance to back out, to push me away and telling me I shouldn’t do that.

Again there was no protest.

Carefully I moved down, mouthing at the outlines of his erection through the fabric of his boxers, needing to close my eyes for a moment at the sensation. At his heavy breathing, the small wet spot, the scent which would only get stronger once I got rid of the interfering cloth which was still covering his crotch.

The next whimper left Jean when I had reached out and was dragging said piece of cloth down; I looked up at him but he had his eyes closed. Somehow I felt intoxicated, knowing that I was the first one to please him, the first one to see him like this. Gulping, I glanced down, licking my lips at the sight.

It’s not as if the sight of his dick was something new for me – we’ve been best friends since kindergarten and a few boundaries have vanished over the time. But I had never seen it like this before, completely hard and the head already shining a bit from precum. The information that not the thought of Mikasa but kissing me had caused it to be like that made my heart beat faster, my own erection twitching.

Taking a deep breath I leaned down again, dragging my tongue carefully through the slit, feeling a shiver going down my spine at the taste. It was not as if it tasted incredible good or new or anything like this; it was just _Jean’s_. That was what made my head spin again – together with the breathy inhale above me.

I knew what to do, probably now my experiences was coming in handy when I reached out to gentle wrap my fingers around it and gave it a few strong strokes. Kissing then his shaft down, sucking gentle at the base and wandered back up again, closing my eyes to listen to the noises he was making. Needing to figure out what he might like and what not.

“Mar…” I flinched slightly when I heard how he was interrupting himself, instead bucking up his hips and moaning lowly when I let my tongue dance over his skin, pressing it flat against the head once more.

A small chuckle was about to leave my throat when Jean bucked his hips up again, knowing that he was getting impatient. My best friend had never been a really patient person at all. Nevertheless I couldn’t let it be and slowly dragged my hands over his thighs, pressing them a bit further apart so that I could sit a bit better between them.

I wish he would have his hands in my hair, coaxing me to continue by pushing my head down eagerly. Simply because I could see him acting like this – but probably it was better when he stayed like he was. Also I was still wearing a wig, I was still pretending to be a girl. Damn, I really needed to grow my hair out more.

A light, relieved sigh left my two-color haired friend when I carefully took his head into my mouth, twirling my tongue softly around it after I had wrapped my hand around the base, pulling the skin down carefully.

Once more he bucked his hips up and moaned, laying his head back even more. There were so many things running through my mind, so many things I wanted to do with him but I forced these thoughts away. Using my free hand to stable his hips, pressing them down, keeping them still.

“Fuck…” Every time he was saying this word today it sounded better. Especially when it was hissed and breathy like this, my mouth on his cock, while I was taking more of him. I was pressing my lips a bit more against his length, moving a bit further down and slowly pulled my head up again. Starting to bob my head in a slowly pace, listening to the groans and moans coming from him.

While I was moving my head I was letting my tongue dance over the shaft as good as possible, with every movement down I was taking more of him into my mouth. Once more I could feel the saliva gathering in my mouth, wetting his skin and a moan escaped my throat lowly around the flesh when I felt the tip hitting the back of my throat eventually. Hearing his reaction was probably even better and making me glad that I learned to control my gag reflex a while ago.

For a moment I was thinking about teasing him, drawing out this whole thing so I would have more time to savor it. I decided against it though, wanting to make him feel good; if I succeeded, there would still be time where I could tease him.

Nevertheless I pulled away a bit and sucked his head getting pressed against the roof of my mouth and slightly started to bob my head again. Apparently Jean liked that, suddenly I felt how he was gripping the wig, trying to buck his hips up to get more of this friction. Not that I could hold up this position too long, knowing that my jaw wouldn’t play along after a while.

I tried to make out what Jean was muttering under his breath between his moans; hoping that I had succeeded, I dragged my lips down his shaft again and removed my hand from his hip, instead pressing it flat against his thigh before I let my nails wander over the skin.

Relaxing my jaw again I went back to bobbing my head, burying once more my nose in the curled hair and gasped when he bucked his hips up for a moment. Both hands were by now resting on his thighs and I was tempted to let one of them move down. At least the skirt was not really able to put any pressure on my own cock like my jeans would have done.

Apparently Jean had understand it when I swallowed slightly around him, pulling him even a bit closer since he laid his hands on my head and continue to move his hips. I know I probably shouldn’t have done that but I couldn’t resist and opened my eyes again, glancing up at him. Wanting so see his facial expression while he was starting to fuck my mouth, letting go and completely acting on instinct.

And god it was hot, sexy. Gorgeous. I saw him shivering when I moaned around his erection, when he felt the vibrations once more getting send through his dick. His breathing was getting even heavier and his movements a bit frantic. I didn’t even need his choked ‘I… I’m gonna…’ to noticed that he was about to reach his limit. Noticing how long he last for his first time – which made me feel proud again. Was I making him feel so good he was holding back so long?

Feeling how he was tugging at the wig I shook my head and pressed my hands more on his thighs, once more swallowing around him which elicited a long dragged moan. Followed by a soft moan by myself.

I gasped when I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder, his fingers digging into it while he muffled himself somehow – quickly I looked up and saw he was biting on his hand, clenching his eyes shut. I couldn’t really see his face like this and damn… I wanted to see how he was looking when he was coming. When he reached his climax due to _me_.

Jean’s body jerked forwards for a moment while he gripped my shoulder stronger and moaned loudly around his hand when I felt something getting pumped into my mouth. Quickly I pulled away a bit to carefully suck at his length, letting him come down my sore throat. I could feel my own body shuddering at the taste – again it was nothing special in taste to be honest. It was sperm, what else do you expect? But it was Jean’s, leaving him because of me!

That was what made it special.

Gasping he let himself fall on his back, rubbing over his face and slowly let go of my shoulder. His muffled ‘damn…’ made me grin satisfied while I swallowed and licked him clean. He was even too exhausted to protest – or too busy trying to process that he had just kinda throat- fucked his male best friend.

Maybe both.

Nevertheless I pushed myself back on my feet, licking over my swollen lips and eyed him for a moment, sighing relieved when he was grinning up at me.

And with that our friendship changed into some strange friends with benefits.

The whole summer break things like this happened – he never touched me in that way but well… that had been clear from the beginning. That he wouldn’t touch me. He would kiss me senseless and won’t say anything when I was lying on the bed next to him, finishing by myself.

Till Jean offered something at the end of the summer break. Once more surprising me and catching me off guard. Saying that in some way it wasn’t fair if I was helping him gain experience and release some sexual tension and I wouldn’t get anything in return.

“You… I know it’s not the same between a girl and a guy and between two guys but…”

I looked up from my place on the couch where I had trying to figure out how to where these fake breast, some layovers. It was made out of silicone and shaped like a top, covering my upper chest. The things I was doing for him…

“What do you…--“ I interrupted myself, my eyes widen a bit when the realization hit me. Glancing back down on the silicone top in my lap I took a deep breath, looking up and grinning at him. “Well I think we need to improve your stamina a bit more.”

~~~

I never thought I would ever be in the situation where I would receive booty calls. Well mostly there were some texts where he called me ‘Marcie’ and asked if I had a bit time for him.

The whole thing had been a bit awkward at the beginning since sucking him off and making out with him while pretending to be a girl was the one thing. Having sex with him another. I couldn’t really hide the fact that I was a male when I was naked. The fake breasts are doing their best to distract him from it when we were lying on his or my bed but yeah…

So I didn’t take off the skirt, I was on my hands and knees while he was kneeling behind me. That way it had been easier for him. I know he was using me and I know that I was enjoying it.

Maybe there would be a day when he finally would get over the fact that I’m a male, he wouldn’t mind it at all to take me out for real dates, falling asleep together with our limps tangled, not for the sole reason of letting him get used to sleep with someone next to him.

We once drove all the way to Shiganshina – Mikasa’s hometown. Jean was thinking about taking her back to her hometown in the future, after he finally got to ask her out. But with every kiss we shared, every intimate moment, my mind was able to push that day further away. I told myself to not get my hopes up. That didn’t change the fact that he was kissing me, fucking me, taking me out of strange dates and falls asleep with me. Not Mikasa.

Still she was always on his mind…

At least he was a bit calmer lately. Even the other’s seemed to notice – at least Armin asked me in the third week of our senior year what had happened to Jean over the break. He hadn’t started a fight with anyone and seemed even a bit more confident around Mikasa. I shrugged and smiled clueless; the blond genius didn’t buy it at all but he let the topic drop for now. Not thinking that it would be something bad.

Of course I saw as well how he was talking with Mikasa, how he was trying to get to know her better and all these things I tried to tell him during our fake dates. It was painful to see, the knowledge that most likely all I could ever get from him was him using my body to get more skilled.

And he was a very fast learner. Maybe it was just the wish behind it to impress her… I forced myself to not think about it…

“Marco?”

“Mmhmm?” In moments like this I could pretend that we weren’t just some fuckbuddies, that we were way more since we just woke up in the morning, limbs tangled up, my head on his chest. It was the last day of the winter break and he had pulled me in his bed, mumbling something about the coldness in his room.

Which I was highly doubting. It wasn’t cold in the room at all, hell he was only wearing sweatpants and I that silicone top and a skirt over my boxers. I think he simply was used to having someone next to him when he was sleeping.

Things like that made me hope he slowly was getting over Mikasa, that he had realised that I was everything he needed. The person who knows him best, every part of him. His body, soul and heart. Especially when he wasn’t fully awake yet and wasn’t calling me ‘Marcie’.

Even when the way he had breathed my name and was stroking down my back was giving away what he wanted. Not that I minded at all. And since I had stopped cutting my hair I simply could push myself up, pressing my lips on his.

I wished it could be a sweet and gentle ‘good morning’- kiss instead of the heated way he returned it, pulling me closer and before I knew it I had his tongue in my mouth, one of his hands at my hips. There were a few things I wish would be in another way; needless to say that currently they were all air-built castles.

“Hey… Marcie…” There the name was back, mumbled into my mouth while he gasped softly due to the fact that my hand already had made his way down to the waistband of his sweatpants. With a small hum I pulled away from the kiss, raising an eyebrow before I paid close attention to the crook of his neck.

“I wanna test this ‘eating out’ stuff. I mean… should be kinda the same for male and female, right? I mean my tongue won’t get longer, right? And I mean… you’re still doing so much for me and…” By now I should have been used to his spontaneous tendencies when he just woke up. Nevertheless this made me freeze and blinking confused.

Because that would be a bit more than fucking me from behind while I was covering myself with a skirt.

“I thought we’re doing all of this for you to experiment and releasing sexual tension~” I teased against his neck, glad that I wasn’t that of a bad actor. I doubt Jean could hide his thought this well when the roles would have been reversed. The laughing I received at my words made me grin against his skin.

What would I give for this to be normal for us.

There would have been a possibility if I would have been born female, right? Then I would have been the girl with the long black hair by his side, since kindergarten. The first kiss hadn’t been simply because he wanted to learn how to kiss. It would have been because he wanted to kiss me.

The hands which were pushing me away from him were startling for a moment, but the next moment Jean had caught my tongue with his again. I thought for a moment how it would feel to start all of this slowly, lovingly instead like this. Driven by the sole purpose of sexual relief.

I took what I could get.

Making him so used to me being around, being there for him if he needs to vent, when he was happy, when he was giddy, when he was sleeping, when he was aroused, when he was coming. Maybe I couldn’t make him stay with me but I could make him remember me.

That sounded so… I don’t even know. I never thought I would ever sound like this. But I let myself get addicted to him, _I_ was the one who got used to him being around. In this intimate way. That was the problem. If he ever would ask Mikasa I hope she would turn him down. And if not I would be happy for him. Because he wanted to be with her for so long now…

The sudden bite into my bottom lip startled me out of my thoughts. Apparently Jean wasn’t so pleased when he was kissing me and I was somewhere else. I only flashed him a sheepish grin and faked a yawn before I reacted to the tongue play.

When he pulled away again he whipped the saliva from his chin and moved behind me, kissing down my spine and pushed my thighs a bit further apart. It was rarely this gentle, maybe he was thinking about even trying to start the whole thing in another way. Needless to say it was raising my damn hopes.

While he was busy getting rid of my underwear I was fishing around in the drawer of his bedside table, pulling out the lube and condoms – better having them already out and not needing them as to stop in the middle to get them out.

I couldn’t help the goosebumps which were covering my body when I felt his breath on my skin and I knew he didn’t really know what to do. Probably he had seen it in some porn video and was getting curious – but this would also overstep another boundary. Pushing his tongue inside of me was something else…

For a moment I was wondering if he would back out and grab the lube instead, just deciding on getting rid of his horniness like usually. But then I felt something wet on my skin, my breath hitched in my throat and I shifted a bit to prop myself up on my lower arms instead of my hands, trying to stay as still as possible.

“That’s a bit…” I could hear Jean mumbled behind me before he took a deep breath and didn’t move for a few seconds. Most likely trying to remember what he had found after searching through the internet because his tongue licking around my entrance was a bit steadier than I had thought it would be.

Oh god. “Jean.” I gasped, spreading my legs a bit more and letting my head drop down. My breathing was already shakily in anticipation what he might do. I mean even in my mouth his tongue was incredible… I would love to get to know how it would feel like to feel his tongue on my cock…. Not that this would ever happen. Although… I also had never thought he would want to eat me out.

Needless to say that I never have eaten him out, not even offering it; so this time he really had to gather these experiences by himself. Even when we had the first time sex I was helping him, guiding him.

Moaning I bit my lower lip when he was slowly pressing the tip of his tongue inside me. Apparently he really wanted to give me something back or was that just my imagination? The next gasp left me when he pressed further, using his hands to push my cheeks apart, making more room for his face.

I was dreaming, right? There was no way this could be true… I was still trying to muffle myself because I didn’t know when exactly his parents would be back or if we were still having the place for ourselves. At least his sister wouldn’t be home before tomorrow after school.

I didn’t really know what was happening anymore, the tongue pressing further inside me, stroking over my walls, the situation itself was slowly driving me crazy. Where I was holding myself up by using my arms I quickly was pressing my face into the mattress, groaning into the sheets and pressing my ass a bit more towards him.

I could feel him fucking _smirk_ against my skin, which was not really helping at all, since his smirk was way too hot to be legal. Exactly like the cheeky muscle inside of me which was getting pressed a bit further..

Again I moaned his name, pressing my forehead against the mattress and closed my eyes, feeling a shudder going through my body when Jean pulled his tongue out again, only to pressing it back into me right away. Building a slow pace in which he was fucking me with his tongue, his nails digging slightly into my cheeks to make me stop moving my hips. I could feel how my legs were on the edge of giving in, only getting hold up by his hands, moving to grab my hips when my knees were buckling underneath him for a moment.

And then the bastard pulled away, probably enjoying the needy whimper which left me as well and scratched over my skin, leaving me wondering what he was about to do now. For a moment I was thinking that Jean would continue, that he wanted to test if he could get someone to come only with his tongue.

But then he shifted a bit, grabbing the lube next to me and once more I shivered at the sound of the opening cap. Well that was also fine with me. More than fine with me. I wouldn’t protest at all.

Moaning I pressed against the first finger he pressed inside of me, my eyebrows scooting up when I realised he had warmed the liquid up a bit before doing so. Jean was being so gentle today… catching myself in the wishful thinking that I have convinced him. That this time the whole sex would be something else.

Slowly I pushed myself back on my hands, turned my head back and looked at him, tilting my head a bit to the side when I saw he was frowning at me. But before I could say anything he continued, grinning at me and sliding the second finger inside of me – what made me lay my head back and forgetting that he had been frowning in the first time. Once more I moved back against his fingers, fucking myself on them while his free hand was steadying my movements.

In moments like this we both were able to forget and to pretend. Especially since I was still wearing that skirt, was still covering myself.

“Jean…” I gasped again when he was scissoring his fingers inside me and pulled me up, pressing my back against his chest and nipped at the junction of my jaw.

“Marcie…” my best friend breathed against my neck, his eyes closed while he moved a third finger into me, eliciting a long moan together with the back of my head on his shoulder. The gentleness was gone when he pulled his fingers out only to slam them back in right away, hitting the bundle of nerves inside me dead on, making me turn my head and letting out a barely suppressed whimper into his neck. Still not wanting to get to loud even when it was getting harder and harder for me.

My first instinct was to bite into his neck, marking his flawless white skin but I remembered in time that there was school the next day. That we agreed to not let anyone know what we were doing behind closed doors…

So all I did was moving on his fingers, gasping against his skin and waiting for him to push me back forwards on my hands. What I didn’t expected was for Jean to pull his fingers out of me and moving to lie on his back next to me – at some point he had wiggled out of his sweatpants apparently –, a smirk on his lovely face.

Which left me blinking for a moment while my dizzy brain tried to make sense out of his doing before my eyes widen a bit and I grinned back at him. We had talked about this, I had suggested changing the position once in a while, like me riding him…

But it wasn’t really possible to hide my male body when I was sitting on top of him – even with the shirt and fake breasts still on. So the topic dropped rather quickly…

I didn’t know what changed his mind, maybe he was really getting used to me like this. Maybe he slowly got over the fact that I was also a boy like him. And god… I wanted to ride his brains out for quite a while now.

While grabbing a condom I leaned down, getting my hungry tongue back into his mouth, one hand wandering down his body and wrapping around his erection, pumping it a few times. A shiver went through my body when I heard him moan into my mouth, closing my eyes for a moment and pulled away from his lips.

Kissing my way down his chest I once again needed to remind me that this was only sex for him. Still I couldn’t stop myself from continue to kiss my way down his body, biting a few spots gentle where I know he was sensitive – like this special spot between his navel and his left hipbone.

When I peered up at him Jean had closed his eyes, arching up into the touch of my lips and my hand. God, he was so beautiful.

I noticed I had already opened my mouth to tell him my thoughts, to tell him how _good_ he looked like this, nearly falling apart from my touches. Instead I quickly pressed my lips to the head of his length, flicking the tip of my tongue through the slit, making him sigh in pleasure.

Smirking, I felt the flesh twitching under my lips when I ripped open the wrapper, moving my lips away to be able to roll it over him and gentle kissed over the inner side of his thighs.

“Verdammt…” My mind had expected for him to say my name but I was glad he didn’t because it would be that fake female name. Nevertheless I suddenly found myself in his lap, facing him and Jean’s fingers digging into my sides slightly.

Someone was getting impatient.

Smirking down at him I reached behind me and pushed myself up, wondering for a moment if I should turn around but Jean was keeping me in place, only allowing me to move up and down for now. So I licked over my lips a bit nervously while positioning me, gasping when his head rubbed over my heated skin.

Reminding myself again that there was school the next day I slowly sat down again, laying my head back and biting the skin under my lower lip to muffle my noises when he was getting pressed inside me.

I loved the feeling of his cock inside me, stretching me like this but again I stayed quiet. Praising him would bring the whole thing on a level I wouldn’t be able to handle. Nevertheless it felt so _good_ , his dick was pressing against all the right places. Gasping I pressed my hands flat on his chest while I sat down completely, arching my back when my ass was touching his skin.

So good…

Closing my eyes I bite down harder on my lip. Shuddering I took a deep breath when I progressed the feeling of his dick buried so deep inside me and tried to listen to Jean’s low moaning – way better muffled than mine.

And when I moved my hips to test the waters and his breath hitched, I made it my goal to make it impossible for him to hold back like this. I wanted to make him feel so good that he needed to moan and groan loudly in order to handle the feeling inside of him.

Taking another inhale I let my hand slide down his body; glancing up into his face I saw that he had closed his eyes again, his hands still on my hips and suddenly he was bucking his hips up. A surprised gasp left me while I clawed into his skin.

But I didn’t mind it at all, even when we both remained silent this was praise enough for me.

Slowly I started to move on top of him, gasping and moaning when he adjusted himself underneath me and leaned back, pressing my hands flat on his thighs to have some support for my movements.

There were a few things I wanted to have in another way in this situation but the hope was there that after today this everything would change...

So I blocked my wishful thinking out – not that this was hard in the first place, having him so deep inside me made it difficult for me to think at all. Groaning I threw my head back while I started to switch in a steady up and down movement on his dick, biting the skin under my lip once more.

I wanted to moan loudly for him, scream for him, telling him how good this was feeling, how good _he_ was making me feel. But instead I glanced back down at Jean, licking over my dry lips and examined his face.

His blissful expression, the droplets of sweat making their ways down from his hairline, his closed eyes and his teeth keeping his bottom lip caught between them. Right now I wanted time to stop, wanting to stay in this little world where all that mattered to him was his best friend, was the feeling of his cook being buried deep inside of him.

A whimper left my sore throat when I suddenly felt his hands on my hips, my body shuddering at the touch. I wanted… I needed him to touch me more, to sit up and claim my mouth as his like he was claiming my body. But I stayed quiet…  
With an encouraging roll of my hips I told him to continue, that I was his, that he should have his way with me like he wanted. That he should let go.

I felt the urge to tell him how beautiful, how hot it was when he was coming undone underneath me, when Jean started to thrust up into me, moving me on top of him in a way high-pitched moan of his name escaped me.

Trembling, I clawed more into his thighs, snapping my hips to meet his thrusting, his hands steadying me. Everything was getting fuzzy when I laid my head back again, biting my lip forcefully again when the next thrust hit my prostate.

The pleasure was bolting through my body when I heard Jean’s gasping, his breathing heavy – motivating me to bounce stronger on his lap, meeting his thrust even harder.

I wanted to hear him moan, getting lost for real just because of how good I was making him feel. And again I wanted him to touch me, so badly…

Needless to say that I wasn’t making that obvious for him, instead I grabbed one of his wrist, pulling it away from my waist without slowing down and playing his hand on one of my fake tits. Reminding myself a bit why we were doing all of this…

A shiver went down my spine, moving right into my neglected dick, and even my eyes widen a bit when Jean was looking up at me through half-lidded eyes before he moved his hand back to my side, moving me a bit stronger on top of him.

Gasping I could feel how my heart skipped a beat at this, the hope raising a bit more inside of me.

He hissed something under his breath before he laid his head back and let out a chocked moan – the most beautiful sound I had heard till now.

I know I should have stayed where I was, I shouldn’t have done it but before I knew it I had bend down and pressed my lips hungry on his. Drinking up the next groan which was coming from these sinful lips. Letting my tongue use the opening and slip past them, searching his tongue.

And suddenly I was on my back, Jean’s lips still on mine, his tongue pressing mine back into my mouth, while he pushed my legs up. Understanding rather instinctively I pulled them up a bit more and crossed the ankles behind his back, moaning deeply into the tongue play when he slammed right back into me.

This was so much more the way I wanted this to be. His chest pressed against mine, his arms next to me and his head next to mine, the strong movements of his hips were driving me insane. Nearly every thrust hit that specific bundle of nerves inside me.

Trembling I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my face against it, screaming my pleasure into his skin. It felt so _good_ , incredible, and I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him everything. How much I loved him. How much his heavy breathing in my ear, his pounding, his arms around me… How good all of that made me feel.

But all I could manage were broken moans of his name. This was so much closer… so much _better_. It let me forget the circumstances when I moved my head again to nudge his head up, pressing my lips back on his when he willingly turned his face towards me. My nails dug into his skin when a strong thrust hit that spot dead one once more, leaving me to scream into his mouth, followed by a whimper.

Telling Jean like this that I wouldn’t be able to last much longer like this, that I was reaching my limit. Gasping I returned to press my face against his neck, kissing the skin underneath my lips, feeling his throat vibrating from his small noises, and pulled him closer by using my legs.

I couldn’t describe how it felt when he was letting go like this, not holding back at all with the goal to get much closer to his own climax. Pressing his forehead against my shoulder for a moment before he pressed his hands flat on the mattress, pushing himself up to change his pounding slightly.

But I could feel my orgasm building in my guts, the sensation gathering in my abdomen. Again his name left me in a whimper while I arched my back, pressing against my friend’s thrusting and bite down in his neck to muffle my scream when I wasn’t able to hold it in anymore.

Forgetting about everything else the moment he pushed me over the edge. Jean’s body was shuddering above me when I was tightening around him, squeezing his cock and my nails and teeth digging deeper into his skin.

A strangled whimper left him when he wrapped his trembling arms around me, pressing his face into the crook of my neck. I wasn’t really able to see his face while he hit his orgasm but probably I wouldn’t had been able to really see it at all.

We both came hard, harder than any time before. Jean was thrusting through both our orgasms, slowing down and stopping eventually only to stay on top of me. Catching his breath and I could feel how he was grinning against my skin.

Exhausted I closed my eyes, letting him slip out of my arms, gasping at the empty feeling when he pulled out of me. Lazily I moved one of my shaking hands to brush a few sweaty locks out of my face and cracked an eye open, glancing into the direction I thought Jean was standing.

My vision was greeted by amber eyes and a fucked-out grin – most likely he was mirroring my expression.

Hopefully this was really the start of something new…

”Oh, right. How did it go?“ Confused, I looked up and tilted my head slightly to the side, blinking at Armin who was standing next to me at the lockers. It was the next day, first day of high school after the winter break and I had been in an extremely good mood the whole day – not that there was that much of a difference outwardly.

“What do you mean?” With that I returned to change my book in my lockers, taking the ones I would need at home.

“Hm? You didn’t know? Jean told Mikasa that he needed to talk with her after school today. He told her even before the winter break so I thought you would have known that.” ‘THUMP’ the book I was holding only a second ago was suddenly on the ground between my feet and the blond next to me was looking at me alarmed. “Marco?”

“Ah. I’m fine. I was just surprised. So he hopefully finally gathered the courage to ask her?” Recovering quickly and pulling my default smile on my lips I leaned forward, picking up the book and closed my eyes for a moment.

That was the reason for the change yesterday, that was why it had felt like he wanted to do something for me. Because he hoped that Mikasa would say ‘yes’ today which would end the whole friends with benefits thing we had going on. A silent ‘thank you’ for supporting him – even in such a strange way like I did.

And there was no one else to blame than me. I was the one who suggested that first kiss back in middle school, I was the one who suggested the making out, the one who just sucked him off. I was the one who kept my feelings a secret, leading Jean to believe that I was also seeing the whole thing simply as sex. No feelings. Just two friends who helped each other with their hormones.

Fooling myself that he would forget about Mikasa after a while. Hell, he hadn’t forgotten about her since the beginning of middle school, what made me think he would forget about her now? Just because I was cross-dressing for him and let him fuck me?

_Marco, you’re incredibly starry-eyed…_

“Marco!” I could feel how my whole body froze when I heard his voice calling out for me. Needless to say I immediately turned around, looking in the direction I have heard his voice coming from.

He was walking rather quickly, a beaming grin on his face. A rare expression. I felt a bang in my chest because he didn’t even need to say anything. It was crystal- clear what had happened.

“She said yes!” With that the bubbles burst.

“Hm?” I blinked confused, playing the oblivious one and using the little spare time to switch back into my role as his supportive best friend.

“Mikasa! I asked her out and she said yes!” Jean was nearly bouncing up and down and I was smiling widely at him; not trusting my voice to not give away my charade. Instead I hold my arms out and grinned, yelping when he wrapped his arms around me and twirled me around a few times, chanting ‘she said yes, she said yes’. All I could do was returning the bear hug, clinging to him and laughing with him.

“That’s great! I’m so happy for you!” I cheered, squeezing him before I grabbed his shoulders and gentle pushed him away on arm length, still grinning happily at him. “And now, go to your girl, tiger~” With that I turned him around and gave his shoulders a small push, watching and waving after him when he turned around to smirk at me.

Once the two-colored head of hair disappeared at the end of the hallway I leaned back at the locker behind me.

Armin flinched next to me when the back of my head hit the metal of the locker rather forcefully but he had the consideration to look away when I started to cry silently.

 

_I never had a chance._


End file.
